I feel like I increasingly have less of a capacity to endure pain for long-term reasons. I have lived a life of doing things that I don’t enjoy and that hurt me, like Olympiad tests, as a responsibility —for the sake of my achievement or my future. Because missed opportunities hurt just as much. I have cried and overwhelmed myself writing Spanish essays and other garbage about topics I don’t care about.
The choice between pain and pain has defined me forever. And it’s far from a unique experience; I know. But I’m so tired.
Spending the day doing nothing drains me. Spending the day putting effort into something drains me even more.
Today, for every day I put work into something, I feel like I need to rest for five.
I don’t regret the work I’ve put into academia or my ‘hobbies.’ I don’t regret meeting the people I met, going the places I’ve been. I don’t regret my education, the growth, or my broadened perspective. I don’t regret learning how infinitely better others can be than you at any given thing, and understanding, to a degree, that that’s okay.
But nihilism has the best of me at the moment. I don’t know if I’ve ever had any meaningful aspirations, but I can state confidently that right now I don’t. I can’t imagine a life or future I could be pleased with or fulfilled by. I don’t want pain today, but I worry about pain tomorrow.